The Illusion of Control

I remember as a new mother asking the women who attended my local mothers' group when they finally felt they had things "under control." They then exchanged knowing glances, patted my hand and broke the news that from now on things would be a "new normal." I still feel that is the simplest way to describe the ever-changing, hectic life of parenthood.

That being said, we are learning about potty training, potty learning, toilet training, whatever you may call it... Transitioning into another "new normal." Clark is finally gaining some interest in that little potty in the bathroom that has lain, dusty and unused, under our bathroom sink. We have had one unsuccessful attempt at potty training a few months ago, but I decided that we would both be a lot happier if we waited for some more interest and understanding regarding the potty. We have talked about "big boys" using the potty, observing which friends "use the potty", checking out books, familiarizing ourselves with the parts and functions, recognizing the need to "go", handwashing, etc... I always thought Clark would train early since he could speak and communicate so well from an early age. Well, either I missed my window early-on, or he just wasn't ready because the first attempt had less potty-sitting and more floor cleaning. So, here we are at 2-1/2 just starting our potty adventures. I wonder how Bruce will do since he wants to be a part of whatever "Bubba" (big brother) is doing.

It's interesting to think about parenthood, which is in my opinion a "learn as you go" type of thing. You can try to be as prepared as possible, but individual circumstances will inevitably prevail and experience becomes your new teacher. Recently I've felt this way about night time and sleeping/waking children. We have a routine, we have a regular bedtime, getting to sleep is not usually a problem for us, but still we have good nights and bad nights, and some nights I have to admit I have no idea why my child has woken up. I quickly run down the list of past problems: too hot, too cold, teething, air is too dry, limb fell asleep, sick, recently in contact with a sick child, took a late nap, too long of a nap, did not have a nap and is overtired, bad dream, gas, constipation, went to bed too late, sleep schedule disrupted from traveling, traveling and sleeping in a new place, hungry, thirsty, bug bite, dirty diaper, dropped something, too light, too dark, too loud, too quiet... Scrambling sleepily through the darkness, you hope to find the right one before they are awake for too long. And then... they're up. Sometimes nothing will soothe or console them in time and out they come - awake. I try to avoid getting them out of bed (if at all possible), and don't let them sleep in our bed (not that I haven't tried this in desperation without success), but this has been a frustrating reality of parenthood for us (and certainly others) and a reason why our sleep is constantly interrupted and naptimes/bedtimes are sacred. Because no one wants to be the one on the couch with an awake child at 3 a.m.

When I was a new mother, I used to think that other mothers were judging me on my parenting abilities. I know there are some who feel there is only one "right" way, but I believe most people, especially parents who have "been there", understand the learn-as-you-go dynamic of parenthood. As your child collapses in a fit of frustration on the floor of a store there may be some judging glances, but also some knowing and sympathetic glances. No one will be able to tell you what will work for you, although most will be willing to tell you what worked for them. You will get a lot of advice as a parent; keep the good advice and disregard the bad, as someone once said. I appreciate the advice I've received from good friends who help me find a different approach to my continuing parenting dillemas.